Get Help!

With your housekeeping, of course. 

I just read yet another post from a young mom overwhelmed by parenting and housekeeping and her job. For some reason it made me remember the time a few months ago that my ex husband remarked to me, offhandedly, musingly, that his current wife "kept a cleaner house" than I ever did. The wife without a career.* The wife with one kid, a daytime nanny AND a nighttime nanny. I might have snorted out loud. 

But he's right. Our house was an absolute mess about 60% of the time, and the other 40% it only qualified as clean if you didn't look too closely. I stressed about it all the time. Probably every day. I took paid days off of work to clean it, but the work was never done. I knew it bothered him and that pissed me off too, adding to my stress. He helped a little, rinsing his dishes before putting them in the sink, transferring the occasional load of laundry from the washer to the dryer, taking out the trash. But the burden and responsibility was mine alone and we both knew it. Besides, when he "helped" he always needed recognition and praise afterwards and if I had time for that I could have just rinsed those dishes myself for the love of God.

I thought about hiring someone to help. More like fantasized, really, because we struggled with money and it seemed like such a wasteful luxury. Like I would have failed at wifehood if I resorted to that. Recently I was interviewed for a "Women in Leadership Award" and the last question the committee asked me was, "What personal advice do you have for young women today?" My immediate answer was, "Hire someone to help you clean your house."  I did not get that award, but I wholeheartedly stand by my answer.

I see young mothers struggling today, despite the fact that guys are playing much bigger roles in both child rearing and housekeeping than ever before, but we haven't come so far yet that the ultimate burden and responsibility aren't still ours. The young woman in the post link above doesn't even mention a significant other, so inside help might not even be an option for her. 

It would be useless to just tell her not to stress over the mess, because I know from personal experience how impossible it is not to. I struggled in particular with mopping the floors; I would always leave it for last, be too tired to do it, and it would just get worse. I had nightmares about one of my toddlers eating moldy (anything) she found under the table. Since I kept having kids across 14 years, it feels like I always had a toddler. 

So for what it's worth, since it's not realistic to just advise young mothers to just let the house go, my advice is to get housekeeping help. Find the money to pay for it. Tell yourself it's not a luxury, it's a necessity, and mean it. Once a week, once a month, once a quarter- anything can make a difference. If I could go back and do things differently this is one of the few things I'd change. Seriously. 

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*I'm told she does work a several days a month in my ex's law firm along with our 27 year old daughter and his law partner's niece manning the phones and files. I'm not being snarky, just annoyed that he has no recognition of how less tasked and how more well-resourced the new, improved Mrs. Barkhurst is, but that's another narcicistic story. 

What is this BIG GIG thing?

Everyone's talking about The BIG GIG, but not everyone is sure exactly what it is.
Here's the Scoop!

What is The BIG GIG?
If you participated in The Big Give, you're going to want to see The BIG GIG!  It's an SNL-type stage production of skits that pokes good-natured fun at the crazy things that are unique to the nonprofit world. The format of the event is similar to the Gridiron production put on by the San Antonio journalism community and Cornyation, a Fiesta event.

Watch the Promo:  The theme for the 2016 BIG GIG is "The Nonprofit Hunger Games."   The promo was developed pro-bono by Key Ideas to promote the event.

Who is The BIG GIG for?
Anyone connected to the nonprofit world.  The event itself is organized by the Advocacy Committee members of the Nonprofit Council in San Antonio, Texas (see below for a list of members).  There are 277 tickets available so anyone can attend and buy a $20 ticket.  Anyone can also sign up to organize a skit or participate in someone else's skit.  For example, staff at my agency and I have developed our own skit and are participating in a few others.  There are skit parts currently available. Call Denise at 210-382-8671 to be in a skit.   

When is The BIG GIG?
March 5th, 2016 at 7 pm at the Josephine Theater, 339 W. Josephine, San Antonio, TX 78212.  

How can I get tickets to The BIG GIG?  You can visit the Nonprofit Council website to purchase tickets or sign up for a skit. Almost half the tickets are sold as of this post's date, so hurry! 

• Buy tickets
• Sign up for a skit
• Sponsor the event

What is a skit like for The BIG GIG? 
As you will see in the promo link above, the event does not require skit participants to be actors.  We practiced our skit at this year's Issue in Profile and read straight from our scripts - which we plan to do at the BIG GIG itself.  The goal of each skit is to be funny or informative around nonprofit issues, or both.  No acting required. Many of the skits submitted so far draw heavily on the posts of the Nonprofit With Balls Blog (with permission).   

Skit line up so far:

• Baking a Nonprofit Cake and Restricting It Too by Big Brothers Big Sisters
• Our Grant is Better Than Your Grant by The San Antonio Lighthouse for the Blind
• The Big Give Press Conference by Roy Maas Youth Alternatives
• Nonprofit and Afraid featuring BIG GIG hosts Renee "Effie Trinket" Garvens and Scott "Caesar Flickerman" McAninch and 2 surprise for-profit contestants
• Dancing With Your Program Officers by 6 nonprofit execs and 6 program officers
•  “The Article"  A group of non-profit leaders react to the recent News Article  that lists CEO salaries and overhead percentages
• Who's Calling? a skit about wearing many different nonprofit hats by Spina Bifida Texas 
•  The Nonprofit Hunger Games:  Where the Odds are Seldom in our Favor"- by CAMP
  
• Musical numbers, videos and more. 

How do I vote for my favorite nonprofit? 

Immediately following the final skit attendees will have the opportunity to cast final votes for their favorite skits, “actors” and agencies.  Votes can be purchased for $1.00 before the event begins and during intermission.   There is no limit to the number of votes that can be purchased.  Friends and family at home will also be able to vote through a link from the council website. A portion of the vote proceeds will go to the winning agency. 

Why is the BIG GIG happening? 
This event is the brain child of the executive committee of the Nonprofit Council and was generated during its strategic planing process in 2015.  The mission of the Nonprofit Council is to  form one strong collective voice for those it serves through advocacy, training, resource sharing and the strength and extensive knowledge of its combined membership. The BIG GIG will fund the work of the council's Advocacy Committee, the purpose of which is to highlight the constraints and limits on nonprofits today that prevent them from moving the needle on complex social issues.  Committee members are continually creating tools and resources for nonprofit agencies to use to inform their supporters and donors about these limits and constraints. Visit the council advocacy page to see the resources developed by the committee to date, including the I Am Overhead video.   Funds raised through The BIG GIG are planned to be used for a new video on fundraising available in the fall of 2016.   

Your 2016 BIG GIG hosts:  Caesar and Effie

The Nonprofit Council Advocacy Committee:

Executive Director, Nonprofit Council:  Scott McAninch,

Chair, Advocacy Committee:  Denise Barkhurst, Big Brothers Big Sisters

 Members:  

 

Chuck Altmiller, Big Brothers Big Sisters

John Burnam, Burnam Gray

Cadence Corbin, San Antonio Area Foundation

Maureen DeFelice, Daedalion Foundation

Renee Garvens, Roy Maas Youth Alternatives

Mike Gillam, San Antonio Lighthouse for the Blind

Anne Krause, Hemisphere Conservancy

Charlotte Anne Lucas, NOWCast

Carlos Maestos, Key Ideas

Terry Maudlin, The Down Syndrome Association

Kathy McNaughton, Masters Leadership Program

Susan Osborne, Children’s Association for Maximum Potential

Nora Oyler, Spina Bifida Texas

Dawn White, Christian Assistance Ministries

Mentoring a kid is more doable than you think!

One of my favorite quotes goes like this:  "If something is worth doing, it's worth doing well."  These are words I try to live by, and no where are they more important than in youth development. I have had the privilege of working for a wonderful youth development organization, Big Brothers Big Sisters, for 19 years and I am so very proud of the amazing work we do. Every January,  which is National Mentoring Month, we take time to Celebrate Success and spread the word about the power of one to one mentoring relationships! 

Did you know that there are 40 basic building blocks, called Developmental Assets, that every child needs to grow up successfully?  It turns out that there are instructions for child-raising, after all, but not all kids have equal opportunity to develop these assets. That's where Big Brothers Big Sisters steps in by recruiting, screening and training volunteers to meet regularly and consistently for at least a year with kids who need extra support and guidance in order to make it through the challenges of childhood. These volunteers are helping to develop critical assets like self esteem, developing hobbies, learning to trust, planning and decision making, caring about and service to others, boundaries and attitudes and expectations, honesty, responsibility, restraint, a commitment to learning, conflict resolution, interpersonal skills, a sense of belonging, purpose and a positive view of the future. Sound ah-mazing?  It is!  All of this can happen for a kid -- really! -- just by observing, interacting with and learning from a caring, positive role model.

So why isn't everyone doing it?  Most people think it's more difficult to mentor a child than it actually is. We often hear things like this: 

• I'm too busy.  
• What if I let them down?
• I'm probably not role model material. 
• What on earth will we do together?
• What if they don't like me?  

The good news is that Big Brothers Big Sisters has all the answers for all these questions and more. 

Here's why being a Big Brother or Big Sister is 

One of the most doable volunteer opportunities ever : 

You set the schedule - Activities between you and your mentee (who I will now call your "Little Brother or Sister"*) occur when you plan them to occur.  Your "match" can be set up to meet weekly, every other week or once a month depending on the time you have.  As long as your Little and his/her parent know what to expect and there are good lines of communication, it can all work out for everyone's benefit! 

They're going to love you - Even if they don't show it, especially at first. It takes a while for relationships to develop, but trust us when we say that we have talked to enough kids who have grown up after being in the program and they all say they adored their Bigs, probably didn't show enough appreciation at the time, but couldn't imagine life without their Big in it. 

You get a mentor too - From the minute you sign up to be a Big, you have the support of the professional BBBS staff behind you.  Once you are paired with a child, your Match Support Specialist is there to help troubleshoot anything you need for the entire time you are in the program, like helping you figure out what to do together, and talking about whether you're being effective (most likely).  I have been matched for 12 years and my Match Support Specialist is kind of my mentoring therapist.  Shout out to Marcela! :) 

There is a unique opportunity coming up in a few weeks to come learn more about how you can be a part of this mentoring movement!  We'd love to see you there. 

Big Brother Santiago is Big Brother of the Year for all of Texas!

Please Join Us
National Mentoring Month Mixer
January 21, 2016
El Tropicano Hotel 
110 Lexington, San Antonio
5:30-7:30 pm

Help us honor our 2016 

Big Brother and Big Sister of the Year. 

Use National Mentoring Month as your excuse to get involved in Big Brothers Big Sisters in South Texas: 

• Volunteer
• Donate 
• Make Magic 

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*Although it has finally made its way into the dictionary, mentee is not really a word and we only use it because it is commonly accepted and understood. We prefer "Little," child, youth and/or student, or even client. 

Spreading Christmas Cheer: Our Adopt-a-Family Adventure

We adopted 7 families for Christmas. It was too hard to choose just one so we had the idea to adopt several families in honor of our own family members. This probably wasn't the optimal year to have taken on such a huge project because my energy levels haven't yet returned to normal following my surgery, but my girls were amazing on this project! This is the story of our experience.

I described in my previous post, Sharing Leads to Caring, that the decision to adopt a family for Christmas was motivated by my 13 year old. The craziest part of this story is that we waited so long to get started shopping that Zoe had already gone to her dad's house for the holidays by the time we got down to it. Ariel and Lacey really enjoyed shopping and wrapping and Zoe did get to go with us on a few deliveries. Here is the story in pictures: 

There are 19 kids in the 7 families we adopted. Several of them liked to draw so here we are getting sketchbooks and drawing pencils. Ariel has the kids' lists. 

The first night we were overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the task and Ariel and Lacey spread everything out in the guest room to get a handle on what we had to do to make deliveries by Christmas. The cat laid on everything and Lacey worried someone would be allergic to cats. 

One of the girls, age 12, wanted a bow and arrow, and we are fans of Katniss girl power so that was a priority. We adopted this family in honor of my brother, Uncle Lance. 

It wouldn't be Christmas without a trip to Gamestop to buy used PS3 and PS4 games. There were several boys who wanted games, including one who's been given a system, but no games. 

We all love a girl who loves to read and asks for a specific series.  We adopted this family in honor of my nephew Trey and his wife, Kristina. #afterourhearts

A boy who likes card tricks and magic will probably appreciate a Star Wars stocking filled with candy too. We adopted this family in honor of my sister, Aunt Ali. There were 2 boys and a girl in this family age 12, 13 and 15.  

When a 12 year old wheelchair bound boy asks for cologne, you have to make that happen for him. We adopted him and his sister -who "does not like Barbies" ;), in honor of my Grandmother, Marie.

Before the wrapping session. Ariel and Lacey were very concerned about sibling parity. All the families we adopted are surviving on less than $15,000 a year and we wished we could have done more. 

The first 2 deliveries ready to go. It took 3 days to make all 7 deliveries. We didn't get lost once but we went to every corner of the city. 

There were 2 girls and a boy in this family. We got all the kids stockings filled with candy.  

Lacey fills out holiday cards for the parents and caregivers for the HEB Gift cards we got them. 

Lacey hands out stockings to her sisters. The deliveries were quick - in and out of the homes. We met some wonderful people and a truly adorable cat named Duncan. 

Making a delivery to the family of 4 kids aged 8-14 that we adopted in honor of my parents, Rich and Peggy (Grandma and Granddad).  

This was the only family that asked to take a picture with us. We adopted them in honor of my brother and his family: Aunt Lyn, Andrew and Marilyn. 

Empty bins means Mission Accomplished! 

The mini photo albums we made of the experience that we gave to our family members, with info about the kids' Christmas wishes, our shopping and delivery experiences and pictures. 

My favorite pic: Lacey and Ariel putting the perfection finishing touches on the sponsorship story books. 

We decided that we will definitely do this again next year, but definitely not as many families. ;)  The kids are hoping we can adopt the family of 5 kids we sponsored this year in honor of my brother, Uncle Richard and his family again next year! 

Sharing Leads to Caring

My youngest child, who entered her teenage years at warp speed, flipped off her bus driver last month and got sentenced to 2 days of after-school detention. After we managed to successfully overcome her father's legal objections to these consequences (footnote* below), she served her time, but the whole ordeal clearly had little impact.

I was particularly disappointed in her behavior as it came immediately after a conversation we had had about respecting authority and being kind to others. Seeing as how shooting the finger is commonly accepted as both mean and disrespectful, I can only assume that her assurances of understanding during our conversation were a total sham. 

Since my older two girls, at 22 and 27, have already passed through their tumultuous adolescence, including the horrific "Mom is a hopeless idiot only worthy of a teenager's condescending pity and fervent scorn" period, I often turn to them for wisdom. When I brought up this incident, which we now refer to as #FingerLawGate, I found they had already been discussing it, and had arrived at a conclusion:  Zoe needs to learn how to give a crap about someone besides herself.  

In an instant, I knew they were right. Periodically, I look over the 40 Developmental Assets Checklist to see where Zoe falls. She's very well taken care of, resourced and privileged, so I don't generally worry too much. But a week before #FingerLawGate I had attended a training on the Assets and it struck me that her exposure to opportunities to really help others was very limited.  I've always taken for granted that my kids have this exposure, given my work in the nonprofit arena. Ariel and Lacey really lived the Big Brothers Big Sisters experience alongside me. They went to all the activities we planned for the kids and volunteers. That was back when I was working more directly in the program, but these days my job is much more administrative. Hence Zoe has learned all about how to ask people for money. She could grow up to be a great fundraiser with her excellent communication skills, thick skin and persevering nature.  Also, as I've gotten older and more attuned to the need for work/life balance, Zoe has had less and less of my job inflicted on her. This is not necessarily a good thing. 

So, my older girls had already decided that Zoe needed more opportunities to care for others outside of herself and her family and be exposed to those less fortunate than she. We discussed a few options and landed on adopting a family for Christmas. This idea just filled me with joy and I don't understand why we haven't done this before!   I researched it online because I know there are lots of great holiday assistance programs out there. In the end, though, we decided to adopt a Big Brothers Big Sisters family, because many of them don't get enrolled in time in holiday assistance programs. Big Brothers Big Sisters doesn't have a holiday assistance program per se, but it has lots of families who could use help. 

I will share in a future post about our experience adopting a family! Happy Holidays! 

Here is a list of organization's that have Adopt a Family opportunities for anyone who is interested. 

1. Family Service Association Adopt a Family Program 
2. Angel Tree 
3. Elf Louise 
4. Blue Santa
5. Here is a great post by San Antonio Mom Blogs on Holiday Opportunities for Families to Volunteer

This cartoon exists on Google, so maybe this happens more than I realized. Thank you phrasemix.com. #stillnotok

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*Her dad called the middle school principle to insist that Zoe was not on school grounds when she flipped off her bus driver, having exited the bus in our neighborhood before bringing out the finger. Therefore the school had no jurisdiction to punish her. He has to constantly demonstrate what a clever lawyer he is never mind what kind of parent. 

It's Time to Shoot up the Cat

It's been a year now since our 12 year old cat was diagnosed with feline diabetes. The diagnosis followed some really weird behavior from what had previously been an extremely low maintenance cat. Atlas had always been very self sufficient, determined to have as little contact with humans as possible. Literally all he required was readily available clumps of dry Meow Mix* and monthly litter box tray changes. Sometimes I didn't see him for days, which is impressive for an inside cat. Our house is 4400 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, so his habitat was expansive and time consuming.  He was always on the prowl, but nearly invisibly. 

I completely misinterpreted the first sign that something was wrong. The litter box no longer seemed to work very well. I absolutely loved the automatic Scoop Free Litter Box. The original purchase price was a little steep but it was worth it's weight in gold. A 3 months supply of litter trays with crystals arrived by mail and once a month I pulled out the old tray, threw it away, and slipped in a new one. It was low maintenance at its finest. But last summer, it started to smell. After checking out the mechanism of the contraption I decided it was old and a little rusty so I bought a new one, but the same thing happened. This time I decided that the trays of crystals were no longer as effective because a new company had taken over.

Over the next few months I spent a small fortune buying trays of crystals which eventually only lasted for less than a week as opposed to 30 days previously. And then Atlas started peeing on floors and furniture. He also became clingy, the weirdest part of all.  It was all a nightmare. It took forever to diagnose but long story short, he was diabetic and had been drinking inordinate amounts of toilet water and over saturating his litter box.  Part of the reason I finally figured it all out was that he was having trouble jumping up on the toilets.  We always knew he was doing it (making sure the kids closed toilet seats was on my list of priorities for about the first 5 minutes of parenting).  His access to the water source of 4 toilets in the house masked how much water he was actually drinking. 

My poor kitty was a mess:  the following me around, the meowing, the weakness in his back legs, his trouble jumping on things and all the urinating everywhere. Famously, I just thought he was getting old (that seems to be my go-to diagnosis for everything), but finally a 2nd blood test at the vet ($$$) exposed the glucose problems.

Everyone thought I was crazy to take on injecting insulin twice a day into a cat. The expense! The inconvenience! The futility! And believe me, I thought it was crazy too, but did it anyway. It was hard at first, especially all the vet appointments, which Atlas despised with a deep, deep vicious passion. The vet techs eventually stopped trying to treat him and had to call me in to take him away.

Apparently some cats are like this at the vet

Atlas is more like this

But slowly over the past year, it started to come together.  It took a year to get all of this under control: 

• The Schedule - setting a time to give an insulin injection to a well fed cat at the same time morning and night with my schedule continues to be the biggest challenge. The iPhone alarm helps a lot. 
• The Helpers - at first I tried to do it all myself but eventually I roped in neighbors and friends.  Everyone is now trained to shoot him up.  They are always surprised at how little notice he takes of the needle. 
• The Vet Visits - we had to stop these even though the vet is not happy to keep dispensing insulin without directly observing the patient. The point of the visits was to monitor glucose levels to see if the insulin was working but since Atlas freaked out every time, it was impossible to get good readings.  And it was miserable for all involved. 
• The Food - at first I was buying the very expensive dry diabetic food at the vet and forcing it on him. This made him a sad cat.  Eventually, we researched the best reasonably priced wet food we could buy at HEB and now he is a much happier cat.  Its not what the vet recommends but it seems to be working. 
• The Groomimg - he'd stopped grooming so he was covered in mats. I found an awesome groomer who does house visits. He only bit her once and she only nicked him slightly but everyone considered it a success. 
• The Insulin- the first vial I bought cost $137 and was supposed to last a year but only lasted 30 days.  The dosage increased 6 times while we were doing blood tests and I just couldn't afford it so the vet found a dealer (I guess) who provides me with insulin pens that last about 30 days for $30.  Walgreens interrogates me every time I go in to buy 100 packs of syringes. 
• The Litter box - Tragically, I had to retire the automatic litter box.  This is much more of a pain than shooting him up twice a day. 
• The Downstairs Confinement -  We slashed Atlas' habitat by 50% by blocking off the stairs and moving his new box downstairs. This helps in finding him. 

We knew it was all working when he started to jump up on furniture again, and now he is almost back to his normal self.  Only more social; we like to think it's appreciation. His back legs are straightening and his all consuming thirst has subsided. Yay insulin!!!

Actually we think he's just indestructible. 

Trapped! The Grooming. 

me and my baby

the faces of Atlas...all look pretty much the same

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*Apparently Meow Mix practically causes diabetes in cats but no one freaking told me.

From Me To You is back for the Holidays!

 

Have you ever taken your kid to the store, pretended not to "look" while they picked out your gift AND while you stood in line and paid for it, then went home and wrapped it yourself?!  I know I have, but there is no need for that anymore!

Back for its 3rd year, the Big Brothers Big Sisters holiday gift store for kids, From Me To You, opens December 5th!  The concept is simple: parents sit, relax, watch Christmas movies and drink hot cocoa while their kids shop, assisted by helper elves, in the store where the gifts are displayed on shelves.  Parents make a donation which the kids use to select gifts for mom, dad, grandparents, siblings and friends.  They leave the store with a backpack full of under the tree ready wrapped gifts. All proceeds benefit Big Brothers Big Sisters, a proven youth mentoring organization that provides role models for kids facing adversity.   

the Grand Opening!
is Saturday, December 5 from 1:00 - 5:00 pm 

at 202 Baltimore Ave. | Near the intersection of McCullough & N. St. Mary'

Store hours will be after school and weekends through Dec. 20.  

Call 210-225-6322 for more details.  

Click here for the story of the store's beginnings.

And here for the two posts my dear friend Colleen Pence of San Antonio Mom Blogs did about the store in 2013 and 2014.    

Check it out on the Big Brothers Big Sisters website and Facebook page for more information. 

Wrap presents and take pictures with Santa!

Browse the shelves with a helper elf. 

Free hot chocolate!