Not a Walk in the Park

Meet Manuel:  A sweet, respectful and enthusiastic young boy.  At first glance he looks a lot like other boys his age, but when you talk to his teachers you hear a different story.  “When it’s time to focus on school work, he just shuts down. There has been a progressive decline throughout the year. It’s getting worse as we prepare for the STARR test, and Manuel is dangerously close to repeating his 6^th grade year.”

Alexandra, also in the 6^th grade, has a crush on a fellow classmate and lives with her dad.  She recently experienced a disastrous reunion with her birth mother.  Her single father says, “I worry about her lack of strong female role models.”

Over the past year, MJ went from a child to adolescent with major voice changes, shocking growth spurts, and a relentless interest in the opposite sex. He complains that his grandmother can’t afford to get him school supplies or shoes that fit and that his father has disappeared again. His teachers say that he talks too much and has an overwhelming need for attention.  His classmates complain that he gossips too much. His counselor says, “I’ve noticed a pattern of blaming others, never holding himself accountable.”  In fact, MJhas managed to push everyone away this past year, and now, at the end of his first year of middle school, MJ is friendless. 

Thankfully, these three kids all have one thing in common besides the fact that they are experiencing life challenges:  They have Big Sisters.   

Volunteers Jenica, Sylvia and Sonia all work at QVC, one of 40 companies that host the Big Brothers Big Sisters Workplace MentoringProgram each month.   They are part of a group of 17 mentors at QVC who have stepped up to help kids connect the dots between their education now and their career later.   But they are first and foremost, friends. 

“Jenica is super sweet with a really big heart. I’ve seen her get weepy-eyed over Manuel’s’ struggles. You can tell she thinks the world of him,” says Megan McLeod, Big Brothers Big Sisters Match Support Specialist.   “Sylvia, Alexandra's’s Big Sister, is a momma-bear. She has a lot of patience and is always smiling. Alexandra’s very active and a bit on the loud side, but Sylvia handles it well.”  

It's easy to see how much Megan likes and appreciates these caring adults.  “Sonia is outgoing and easy to talk with. I like talking with her because she doesn’t sugar coat or hesitate to share her opinion. She’s assertive and knows how to lay down the law with MJ when she needs to.”

At one time or another, all 3 of these Big Sisters have expressed doubts about their ability to respond to the struggles their kids are facing, and whether or not they are making a difference.  At Big Brothers Big Sisters we know, for a variety of reasons, that they absolutely are making a difference, whether they know it or not.  I wrote about a 56 year old Little Sister in January who assured her Big Sister that she was always listening.  It’s great for this long-time mentor to hear this now, but of course she didn’t know it at the time. 

One of the things we measure at Big Brothers Big Sisters is the “strength of the mentoring relationship.”  We do this because we know that it is this relationship that is the catalyst for positive youth development.  When Bigs and Littles become friends, the trust that is needed in order for a child to accept the support of a mentor falls into place.  As any parent knows, there is very little instant gratification in providing support to pre-adolescent and adolescents.  We often feel we are not reaching our kids, we worry about their future, we despair.*  So, it's really no surprise that the same thing happens with Bigs and Littles.  We see all the time in evaluations and surveys that there is a disparity between the difference the volunteers feel they are making and the reality of how the kids feel.  For example, surveys of the QVC Bigs and Littles finds that: 

• Only 92% of volunteer “Bigs” report that they are confident in handling the challenges of being a mentor, while 100% of kids report that they feel like their volunteer “Big” has good ideas about how to solve problems.
• Only 85% of Bigs feel that they have a close relationship with their Littles, while 100% of the kids report feeling close to their mentors. 

100% of kids also report that the relationship with their volunteer “Big” is important to them, and they all say that they feel safe with their Big. For us at BBBS, this is success, but we struggle to assure our volunteers that they are doing exactly what we and the kids need them to be doing.  The bottom line is that none of us had mentors who solved all of our problems for us.  Our mentors stood by us, supporting and guiding, and making us stronger and more resilient in meeting life's challenges."

QVC Bigs and Littles

We are so grateful that Manuel has Jenica in his life as he struggles with the transition to middle school and with his academics. We once asked Manuel if he was interested in having a Big Brother instead of a Big Sister and he wouldn't even hear if it.  He cant imagine losing his Big Sister.  Alexandra has said that she likes some of her teachers but can’t communicate with them like she can with Sylvia. Thank goodness she has Sylvia to confide in and talk about the tough stuff.  And we are very grateful for the rapport Sonia has developed with MJ and the fact that she is comfortable telling him it's "Time to get your act together!” And he listens! 

Mentoring at-risk kids is no walk in the park, but everyone knows that what kids need to grow up successfully is the support and guidance of caring adults. Jenica, Sylvia and Sonia, the other 14 mentors at QVC as well as 2,000 other volunteers in our program have stepped up to do just that.  We just wish they would believe us when we tell them how important and meaningful and effective their work is.    

April is Volunteer Appreciation Month, so if you know of a volunteer, especially one who mentors at risk kids, give them a shout-out!  

________________________________________________________________________

With Appreciation to Megan McLeod for her contributions to this post.  

*Maybe that's just me with my kids, I don't know. 

Remembering Oklahoma City

My girls and me in Oklahoma City in April 1995

20 years ago, in January 1995, I moved to Oklahoma City.  In March, I started working at Big Brothers Big Sisters of Greater Oklahoma City, and on April 19th, the Murrah Federal Building was bombed.  My life was changed forever. 

I hadn't wanted to move to Oklahoma City. I was hoping we'd get stationed in San Antonio, after being overseas for 3 years and then going to school in Lubbock. I was homesick for family. 

This duty station came right smack in the middle of our 9 moves in 11 years military adventure, but it turned out to be the only place that became home to me. I honestly think it was the bombing, the city's response, the shared experience, the people I met and the heartbreak that bonded me to Oklahoma City. Remember, this was before 9-11, and we were still so naive about how vulnerable we were and devastated we could be. It was the most shocking thing that had ever happened in my short, sheltered life. 

I was standing in the living room of my babysitter's house when I first heard that there was a daycare center on the second floor of the building. I'd already seen the smoke on my drive past downtown, and the pictures of the aftermath of the front of the building on the television.  My babysitter was crying, tears just streaming down her face. My daughter Lacey, not yet 2 years old, was struggling for me to put her down so she could run away and play, but I just couldn't let her go. 

Eventually, I went to work, but all my appointments had been canceled by my boss, so I wandered home where I stared at the TV some more. I'm not exactly sure when we knew that 15 little ones from the day care had been killed, but I'll never forget the picture of the firefighter carrying one away from the building. As a young mother myself, I struggled to fathom the horror of it. 

As the days went by, we all coped in different ways. One of the Little Sisters on our waiting list at Big Brothers Big Sisters had lost her mother in the bombing so we matched her up with another Little Sister who was matched in the program and they shared a Big Sister for while, for support and healing. Everyone was volunteering for the Red Cross in some form. This was the time that I really started to understand the critical roles that non profits play in times of crisis. Not having experienced much crisis in my life, unlike most of my clients, this was a time of tremendous personal growth and maturity for me. 

While I had to be forced to move to Oklahoma City, 3 years later I had to be dragged away, figuratively kicking and screaming, to the next military posting in Virginia. So today, on the 20th anniversary of the bombing, I will remember the confusion, the disbelief, the horror, the grief, the fear, the sadness and the helplessness, but I will also remember the strength, the courage, the spirit, the resolve, the fortitude and the heroism of the people of Oklahoma City, my only other home away from home. 

This is a link to the Memorial.  

Here are a few of my memories from the OKC years and all the dear friends I made. 

The annual BBBS Gala with Jenny, Jennifer and Kendra

My awesome BBBS boss, Laurie

With Kendra and Jennifer at some BBBS event

Karaoke with Leslie (Ragan)

Me and the Trekkie Bowl For Kids Sake teams

Happy Hour probably at Bricktown

With Laurie and Mark Clayborne, National Big Brother of the Year and his Little

Jennifer, Mark and me

Party at Denise's!

That time we were in the newspaper in costume

Coping

From Toddler to Teenager

Teenagers are masters of the Look of Contempt

Today my youngest daughter officially became an insufferable teenager. I know this to be true because I've previously experienced the horror of watching two perfectly delightful children morph rapidly into that beastly, ghastly creature known as The Teenager.

The signs are unmistakable:

• the sighing, 
• the eye rolling, 
• the "oh, Mom's!"  

 The conversations like this: 

Me: "Get off your phone."

Teenager: "Why?"

Me: "Because I asked you to."

Teenager: "That's not a reason at all."

OR

Me: "Clean your room, (or take a shower, or pick up your clothes, or do your homework....)" 

Teenager: "NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Me: "Yes, now."

Teenager: "Why?" 

I used to think that the hardest part of child-rearing was from birth to 3. The sheer physical demands of sleep deprivation combined with the new and overwhelming responsibility of keeping a fragile newborn alive nearly did me in. Where was the training for this!? And it didn't get easier with the second, or the third. Oh no, I was older but I had less stamina and I was even more tired if that's possible. 

Ditto for the absurdly exhausting toddler years-- trying to keep a newly mobile 11 month old from killing herself falling down the stairs, followed by the eternal chasing of a 2 year old around my friends and family's houses, grocery stores, restaurants etc before she wreaked total havoc and/or ran off and got lost was the bane of my existence. I couldn't wait for date nights to get away, but then that usually went like this:

Me, 2 minutes after we sit down to dinner:  "I should call and see how the babysitter is doing."
Husband:  "They're fine."
Me:  "I'll be quick."
Husband:  Sigh.

Thank God I spaced them out.*  

But things changed around age 3 when my oldest child looked into my eyes and we had our first real conversation. I conversed, intelligently, in a non-baby sing-song voice with a human being that I had created, nurtured, loved and put all my time and energy into for 3 years.  

Wowza! What a pay-off!  

Despite the exhaustion, I was actually head over heels in love and would never have thought that I could be any more enamored with my child than I already was, but that first real conversation was one of the best moments in my life.  For several years after that I swear I could see her brain developing right in front of my eyes. As a new mom I read all the research that says the most brain growth activity is from birth to 3, so I fed my little growing babies lots of input and they took it all in. It's a good thing babies are so cute. They smile at you, and coo, and snuggle, and you melt with love, which is what keeps you from putting a pillow over your head at 2:30 am when they wake up for the 3rd time that night. And yes, you take pride in their growth and appreciate their healthy development, but for me that all paled in comparison to the little person my child became around 3. 

It only got better from there.  For all three of my girls, elementary school was awesome.  Language, art, storytelling, music - they explored, expanded and I got to watch it all.  School plays and spelling bees, times tables and book reports.  And let's not forget those Thanksgiving turkey hand-prints of love.  All of their teachers loved them, reporting what a joy they were to teach.  So smart!  So funny!  So helpful and cooperative!**   What a proud mommy I was!  

And then, again, boom!  Sometime in middle school, without warning, it's over. The adolescent transition from sweet to sour is bitter indeed.  One minute you're sitting together on the living room floor playing with the cat and laughing about nothing and the next minute she's slamming her bedroom door and telling you that "in case you hadn't noticed," she's "not a kid anymore," and you "just don't understand her." 

Sigh.  

So having passed through all the ages and stages of the developing female child twice before now, I can honestly say that the hardest one to mother through is the teenage years.  The hell of sleepless nights with an infant is nothing compared to the agony of a missed curfew.  Learning to live with using the bathroom while a toddler clings to your ankles is unfortunate, but witnessing your daughter's pure adoration morph into withering contempt is utterly heartbreaking. I'm pretty sure that residual affection left over from the cute baby stage is the only thing that has compelled me to keep mothering the monsters they become as teenagers.  That may sound harsh, but trust me, withering contempt is no picnic. 
 
There's only one thing to do now, and that is to hope for grandchildren one day so that I can return to that cute baby stage and conversing with intelligent 3 year olds with none of the unpleasant strings attached.  They say that's the ultimate payback.  Bring it on!
_______________________________________________________________________

* ('88, '93, '02)

**A little bossy maybe, but that's the subject of another blog post....

A Little Spring in My Step!

Now that my taxes are done (I set a March 1st deadline that I always miss by at least a week), it's time to enjoy March and Spring! So here are:

6 Wonderful Things I LOVE about Spring/March:

1.  My Annual Pear Tree Blossoming!  Planted in 1994 alongside a peach and plum tree, both of which are long gone,  it has survived sudden freezes, wildly fluctuating temps in the same week, or even day, and 100 degree summers! 

It produces fewer pears than it did in the late 90's and early 2000's but still more than we could ever eat.  Fondest memory is of our late golden retriever, JJ, jumping up to tear them off the tree and eating pear after pear after pear.  That tree misses him! 

2. Buying Cheap Flowers!  They are everywhere starting the first week of March!  Begonias, Petunias, Impatiens, Zinnias, Geraniums and more.  Actually the geraniums are one of the only ones I can get to flower year after year - they actually flower all year long!  I didn't say I had a green thumb or anything, I said I love the availability and affordability of an amazing variety of flowers! 

3.  Sitting Outside at Restaurants and Happy Hour. This is the BEST, and in San Antonio, the window for doing this is very small. Not for me - I would sit outside all the time, but for all the people I eat and drink outside with.  Most of them won't put up with the blinding sun, the 95% humidity and the 99+ degree temps.  But from mid-March to late April (and sometimes into May), I enjoy patio seating at my favorite eateries and bars; like La Hacienda and Willies and El Jarro.  It's also flips flops and tank tops weather. 

 

 4.  Staying Lighter Later  There is nothing more depressing than when we Fall Back after Halloween and I leave work at 5:30 pm and it's dark outside.  Suddenly no one knows how to drive in the dark and my commute is worse than it's been since the kids went back to school at summer's end.  The opposite happens when we Spring Ahead!  I don't even care about the hour I lost!  Now I can take walks, plant flowers and sit outside after work!

5.  St Patrick's day and Easter When holidays collide!  I decorated for St Patrick's' day at the beginning of March, but I have already pulled out all the Easter stuff because Easter is the first weekend of April this year! All the pastel colors of this holiday are so fun and light and just bursting with springtime energy!  I was actually thinking about not decorating this year because Zoe (youngest child) won't be home for Easter, but Lacey (middle child) talked me out of it.  I was just momentarily delusional.  Bring on the Bunnies!  

6.  My Oldest & Youngest Kids' Birthdays!  I had two March Babies!  Ariel is about to turn 27 and Zoe will be 13.  I texted them at the lake where they are for Spring Break and asked them to send me a celebratory selfie and this is what I got.  Ariel is anti-picture these days.  Then I got videos of Zoe's hair in the wind on the boat they were sailing on.  I love to see the sisters spending time together happy and having fun. 

I cant imagine my life without having had these two girls, and maybe that's why Spring is so special to me.  It's always a time of year when life begins anew, but for me that has really special meaning because it's also when I brought these two into the world. 

 Yay Spring!

A Boutique-style Squishing

Pink roses make everything better

I know I'm not the first woman to complain about the annual boob-squish, but I'm here to report that it's getting easier thanks to the Boutique Mammogram. My first time by way of this special experience was a few squishes ago but each year, it gets more sophisticated. This year, they gave me a pink rose. Ladies, if we're gonna to have to do this, this is the way to go. 

A few years ago when directed to a location called a "boutique" for my annual mammogram, I pondered the word from its waiting room, which featured mineral water, a fountain garden, plush carpet and mahogany furniture. 

"Boutique" - 

1. a small store selling fashionable clothes or accessories.

2.  a business that serves a sophisticated or specialized clientele.

Since I am in fact, sophisticated, and special, this place was obviously created for the likes of me. 

Today's boutique visit featured donuts, coffee and pink upholstery.  From the waiting lobby, I was directed to a small changing room where I donned the pink, paper gown, (opens in front, ladies) and took a seat in another plush inner waiting room.  Last year's boutique had a puzzle in progress on a table but this one only had a giant, flat screen TV playing Good Morning, America.  I'm becoming a critic.  60 seconds later I was getting intimate with the imaging machine.  Other than the tech apologizing for her cold hands, it was almost, enjoyable. OK, that's totally untrue, the squishing sucks, but the pampering was appreciated.  It's almost like a spa!  (OK it's not really like a spa, but looking on the bright side is healthy, right?). I also appreciated the speed and organization.  The time that elapsed between entering and leaving the boutique parking lot was only 19 minutes. Phenomenal. 

This almost makes up for the fact that, apparently, I have spent the last 10 years getting "unnecessary" mammograms.  It kinda sucked to see that 10 years after I started getting them, mammograms are now being recommended at age 50 instead of 40.  Whatever.  I am hoping that next year's boutique will finally feature "fashionable clothes and accessories" too.  Or maybe they'll have progressed from giving away roses to giving away jewelry.  I'm looking forward to it. ;)

Everything is pink in the boutique I most recently visited. 

Donuts and coffee and mammograms

Little Stories, Big Impacts: Our Founding

Current and former Big Brothers Big Sisters board members

This week I met one of the co-founders of the Big Brothers Big Sisters of South Texas affiliate for which I am the proud President & CEO.  Her name is Harriette Furino and she moved to San Antonio in 1973 from Houston where she had been a Big Sister volunteer.  Having enjoyed the experience so much, Harriette was disappointed to find out that there was no branch of the program in San Antonio.  She set out to start one.  She told us the story of how she teamed up with a friend, Barbara Alden and they incorporated Big Brothers Big Sisters, Alamo Area in 1976.  Barbara went on to serve as the agency's founding Executive Director and Harriette served on the board.

The event at which I met Harriette this week was one of a series of events to be held in 2015 to reconnect with over 300 former board members who served the agency over the years since 1976.  We call this the "Board Member Reunion Tour" and we had 6 in attendance this week along with Harriette.  One of our goals is to capture their stories in print or on video for inclusion in the"Mentoring Hall of Fame" we plan to create in the new offices we hope to build soon. 

A rendering of the BBBS of South Texas future offices

Sitting around the lunch table, Harriette shared the story of her first Little Sister, Marcy, who lived in a family with 9 other siblings.  Marcy was 10 when she was matched to Harriette, and recently, at age 56 she got to proudly watch her own son graduate from college.  Marcy believes that because Harriette cared enough about her to keep her from dropping out of high school, she was able to stop the cycle of failure that had characterized her family to that point in time.  Marcy and her son are living proof of the power of Big Brothers Big Sisters.

The part of the story though, that really touched me was when Harriette talked about how her Little Sister Marcy told her that, "it may not have seemed so at the time, but I was always listening to you." As a parent of three of them, I know that there is nothing more momentous than hearing that a vulnerable at-risk teenage girl has been listening to your advice, counsel and guidance. 

I was so happy to finally meet Harriette.  I thought to myself that none of us would be here if it hadn't been for her dream to start a BBBS program in San Antonio. I am proud to have also played a small role in bringing or preserving BBBS branch office programs to several other cities.  Big Brothers Big Sisters, Alamo Area was renamed Big Brothers Big Sisters of South Texas several years ago after opening branch offices in Kerrville (1996), New Braunfels (2000) and Corpus Christi (2005).  Since then we have also expanded our umbrella to cover Laredo, McAllen, College Station and Eagle Pass with the help of local leaders like Harriette.  We get calls all the time from other cities in our 38 county service area that don't have the program, and I'm sad to think of the kids that don't even have the option.  Del Rio calls a few times a year and I got a call from a teacher in Carrizo Springs just before the holidays.  We need more Harriettes. 

So, Big Brothers Big Sisters made my heart sing again today, which once again just illustrates why I have spent 18 years of my life dedicated to our mission.  Because of Harriette I have an incredibly fulfilling career, 300 former board members have had the privilege and opportunity to serve this mission, and thousands of kids have experienced the time and caring attention of  life-changing adult role models.

Everything, All At Once

Another 16 year old in my circle just got a car for her birthday. That is awesome for her, but it worried me to hear her mother complain less than 15 minutes later about the affordability of college. 

In today's world it seems that every 16 year-old I know gets a car.  This is very different from when I was a high school kid.  Very few of my friends had cars, and no one I ever knew got a brand-new car.  One of the reasons was that their parents were saving for college.

I suspect that the next thing today's car-lucky kids will do after getting a Bachelor's degree they couldn't afford (what with the big, fat car payment, natch!) is to go on to pursue a Master's degree, get married, take out a giant mortgage and then complain about how in debt they are. 

Must they have everything all at once?

I keep reading how we need to make college affordable. Can someone tell me exactly what is affordable? At 18 I was extremely poor.  I was working at McDonald's and taking a few classes at San Antonio College, all that I could "afford." I could not, however, afford a car so I walked, bummed rides or took the bus to class. I rarely bought any books. It was hard, but it was the most important and very best investment I have ever made in myself.

Today people think it's perfectly OK to pay $30,000-40,000 for a car but then they balk at that kind of investment, at the very least, in a bachelor's degree.  I have to say this sounds like maybe it's a matter of Prioritization rather than affordability. The real issue is that we want to be able to pay for college AND have all these other things too. Right away.  And/or we want to go to a really expensive college and not be deprived of anything else as a result.

At collegedata.com you can find all kinds of helpful info about the price tag of college.  After reviewing this site, I think there are three things to consider about paying for college:

1. Prioritization (which we just touched on),
2. Cost (Affordability), and
3. Choice (so many choices)

Since we've mulled over Prioritization a bit, let's look at Cost.  According to the College Board, "the average cost for one year of tuition and fees for the 2013–2014 school year (was) $8,893 for state residents at public colleges..."*  This is about $35,000 for a 4 year degree. For comparison's sake, here is the average price of a new car, and for the cost of maintaining that car: 

Average cost of a new car in 2014:  $31,000 - 32,000 ( with interest rates averaging 4%)
Average cost to drive a car in 2014: $8,000 - 9,000 a year 

In terms of investment, in 6 years the car will have significantly depreciated in value (if it hasn't been totaled - 1 in 5 of 16-year-old drivers has an accident within their first year of driving), while a college education will be even more valuable and complemented by experience.

Now I can hear some of you parents out there saying, but what about the cost of room and board, and books and meals?!  That's where Choice comes in. 

First, consider this:  whether or not your child goes to college there will still be a cost to feed and shelter him or her.  The choice is whether or not to live in the dorms or live at home.  There is also the choice of whether or not that child has a job while in college (or whether or not he/she lives off of you and/or student loans**).  Adding in the cost of living arrangements, meals and books adds about another $12,000 to the cost of college (which I still maintain that, other than books, are the costs of being alive, not college.) 

Then there is the choice to attend a private or out of state institution.  This is where it really gets crazy.  According to the College Board, the average cost of tuition and fees for the 2013–2014 school year was $30,094 at private colleges, and $22,203 for out-of-state residents attending public universities (as opposed to the $8,893 for state residents at public colleges we discussed above).  From my bumbling middle class perspective, there is no choice here, there is just common sense.  Or debt.  

Another factor is student loan interest rates, which seems to fluctuate between 3 and 5 percent according to my internet research.  I am not an expert on these things, having never taken out a student loan (I was on the pay-for-classes-one-at-time 10 year BA degree affordability plan) but I have paid 7% interest rate on a home mortgage for the last 15 years and I still owe just under what the sale price of the house originally was.  But even if I took all of the most expensive routes to college it still wouldn't add up to just the interest I have paid on my house over the last 15 years -- which could burn down tomorrow, but until dementia sets in I will always have my college education.***

The last thing to consider here is financial aid and scholarships which certainly can make college more affordable if you qualify. The first is based on need according to a student's particular circumstances, and the latter on ability which is dependent on talent and/or work ethic. I won't go more into detail on these since since it applies to only a fraction of students.  Also, if a students gets financial aid or a scholarship, it often doesn't cover 100% of the cost so we then come right back around to choices. 

I hope this doesn't come off as sanctimonious or insufferable.  I can see how it might****, but I am still going to post it because I'd like to see more consideration of responsible and realistic priorities and choices in determining the affordability of college to balance out all the righteous indignation.  I know we all want our kids to have the best possible college experience.  We all hope our kids are better off than we were.  But do we really need to make everything so easy for them?  Doesn't a little deprivation still develop the highly useful ability to delay gratification and appreciate bounty and good fortune? How do we make it better for them by letting them tumble into irresponsible debt and then expect some sort of "forgiveness" of that debt?  Who exactly is responsible for that debt?  The clueless kids?  The parents who let it happen?  The banks who gave them the money?  The colleges who charged them for expenses?  I don't have the answers to these questions, but I do know how to stay out of debt.  

*backed up by data on the cost of attending the University of Texas at San Antonio

**OMG it should be illegal to give loans to kids for living expenses.  My daughter told me that her boyfriend frequently spends his loan money on comic books!  I cant even begin to write about how awful this whole concept is. 

***It's fast approaching, carpe diem...

****one of my helpful blog post editors said this, and that I am getting old and increasingly prone to making "back in my day..." statements that make the eyes of today's youngsters roll