What Was I Thinking?

Eight days ago we celebrated my oldest daughter's 26th birthday, and I wrote a post about how she reacted at age 13 to the news I was unexpectedly pregnant with my youngest daughter, Zoe.  She asked me "what was I thinking?"  What a fun day that was.  :)  Being unexpectedly pregnant, I'm sure I was thinking all kinds of things, but whatever they were, how happy I am now to have had Zoe Jean, who turns 12 years old today!  Happy Birthday, Zoe, my Rainbow Baby Bird!  How much joy you have brought us through the years: 

2002

2003

2004

2005

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

2011

2012

2013

Feeding An Over Achiever

My first-born, Ariel Marie, reporter
 (this photo is either from her days at the "Trinitonian" or the
"San Antonio Express News," which overlap)

Way back in the fall of 2001 my then-husband and I sat down in the living room of our house to tell our two daughters that we were expecting.  We had cautiously waited a while to share the news after losing a baby 5 months in a few years before.  We blindly, stupidly, thought our 9 and 13 year old children would be thrilled, and Lacey, the ever- effervescent youngest but soon to be middle child of joy was all smiles.

Ariel was, as always, more, thoughtful. Her reaction to the news is one of the defining moments of my life.  She looked daggers at me and her father and said, "What were you thinking?!"

I was speechless, which is saying a lot. 

I know every mother says this, but Ariel Marie was an amazing baby.  Really having nothing to compare her to as a young 22 year old first time mother, I just thought she was pretty freaking high maintenance.  I remember watching the movie "Short Circuit" when Ariel was about 18 months old and thinking how much she and "Number 5" had in common.

"Input.  Input," said Number 5.
"More information, more stimulation," demanded toddler Ariel.

She seriously wore me out.  And I was young.  Toys were objects she inspected for merely minutes before being cast aside in favor of anything else new and interesting.  Everything, of course, was interesting to her but literally only for minutes. I spent 4 years providing constant input for this kid --when she was awake.  Thank God she was a good sleeper.  I read her every book we had, bought her as many more as we could afford and then read them all to her 1000 times again.  By age 3 she could read them to me.

I have no idea why I felt so compelled to feed this uncontrollable, relentless demand for input.  I was pretty young and self absorbed.  Call it a youthful, energetic, maternal instinct but whatever it was, it had to be done. And how incredibly rewarding it was, and so satisfying!  In went information and out came a phenomenal growing intelligence that was a joy to behold.  Again, having no comparison, I took it for granted that I had this over-achieving, genius child.

After Ariel was born I thought I was done with having kids.  Pregnancy sucked.  The lack of sleep, hallucinatory-infancy-stage sucked even more.  I gained 80 pounds when I was pregnant with Ariel but lost 100 pounds during the toddler years chasing after her in that never-ending quest for input. In more ways than one I felt like I was disappearing.  But one day I woke up with the life-changing thought that Ariel needed a sibling. Like any dumb young person who makes such momentous decisions in isolation of any real life experience, it was reckless.  But how lucky we were to have Lacey Allison, born 5 years after Ariel. 

Core to our family lore is that "we had Lacey for Ariel," and Lacey knows to whom she belongs. For most of their lives they have been irresistibly connected.  In June, when she turns 21, I will write about Lacey, our "Bunny."  About how loving she was from her first moment, how sweet, how clingy, how chill.  I was amazed again, but in a completely different way.  A child who wanted to sleep with the same toy every night night.  A child who was afraid to venture too far from keeping me in her line of sight.  How delightful!  No more missing child police alerts in the mall!  Oh thank you, Bunny! 

When Lacey was born Ariel was 5, and the 3 months between Lacey's very interesting arrival and the beginning of Kinder for Ariel were fast and furious. There was really no time for Ariel to get bored or jealous before she embarked on the new adventure of school.

The same thing happened when our third child, Zoe, was born in 2002 when Ariel was in the 8th grade.  The summer between Zoe being born ("What was I thinking?!") and Ariel starting high school were, again, fast and furious.  I felt secure, a second time, that this genius child, was adequately cared for, and catered to in school.   

School was created for kids like Ariel who soak up every bit of information, and who are a delight to their teachers.  Who never have to study for tests and whose homework always seems to be done, before you even ask.  Who sing in the choir, attain belt after belt in karate, join the debate club, make informed, steadfast decisions to become teenaged vegetarians, who decide to make an in depth study of all the major religions in high school, who read more books than their mothers and who edit the school newspaper. 

Ariel proceeded to blow away every test she's ever taken, effortlessly graduate from Trinity University with dual degrees in English and Communications and obtain a job as a reporter with the South Florida Sun Sentinel less than 6 months after college graduation in 2010.

Today Ariel turns 26 and I could not be more proud of her. I could practically burst from it!  So many of my dreams for her have come true and I am so happy for her. I'm a little sad that I don't get to see her on her birthday, because she lives so far away.  Another defining moment in my life was the day she came to the house to tell me that news:

Ariel:  "Mom, I'm moving to Florida."
Me:  "Ha ha, that's funny." 
Ariel:  "No really, I am.  The Sun Sentinel has offered me a job."
Me: Gulp.

That was the day I really understood that my kids wouldn't always be with me.  A few weeks after that conversation, she loaded up her u-haul, hooked her car up to its bumper and drove 1,400 miles away.  Since then she has settled into South Florida.  She's been 3 years on the job and lives in an apartment that's a few short blocks from the beach with her boyfriend, who appears to be a nice guy (his life's dream is to become a prosecutor and put bad guys away.)  She has also become very active in the Live Action Role Play (LARP) community. 

I look at Ariel through the lens of a proud mother who is happy when her child has turned out so well.  I think of her getting up in the morning and getting ready for work, making coffee, or grabbing it on the way, sitting at her desk at work or staying late at school board meetings she is covering.  I think about her grocery shopping with Eddie or ordering take out.  I think about her getting into costume for a LARP event.  My lens tells me how lucky we are, both of us, because, I know, especially in my line of work, that it doesn't always end up this way.

Outside of my lens, though, that happy story is in a different place.  Apparently not all of Ariel's dreams for herself have come true, and she is not exactly content. I should have known.  She is still Number 5 looking for that next better thing.  I have spent hours on the phone with her listening to her tell me that she is bored and/or "is getting older and hasn't accomplished anything!" It doesn't help that her father is pushing her to "get out of that loser career" (journalism) and leave that "freeloader boyfriend" (he is in law school and living with Ariel but supporting himself with student loans).  It's no wonder she often lacks confidence in herself and her decisions.

So, since Ariel still needs input, I've decided that I am going to send her Confidence for her birthday this year (and an Amazon gift card, of course), and I would ask that all our friends and family please join me in this endeavor - all your have to do is tell Ariel how amazing she is (if you know her, which I'm assuming anyone who reads this probably does).  Should you choose to embark on this mission here are some of the ways that you can tell her how amazing she is:

• When I post this to FB - tell her in the comments how she is amazing (I will have tagged her in the post); she rarely goes on FB but I will send everyone's comments to her or entice her there
• When I tweet this post, tweet her back that she is amazing (I will have tagged her twitter handle); she has been tweeting lately so this is a winner if you're a tweep
• Text her (she probably wont reply though)
• Call her (she never answers the phone but you could leave a message)
• (I didn't say she was an amazing communicator even if she is a Communications major)

Ariel is pretty critical of her work, but she did tell me she felt good about this article she wrote last month if anyone is interested in the goings-on in Broward County Florida. 

One of my favorite pictures of Ariel, more here

All Hearts, No Humbugs!

I follow Grumpy on Twitter

I'm already seeing the Valentine's day Nay-Sayers coming out of the woodwork, so I'm going to try to head them all off at the pass with this post.  You can see an example of what I'm talking about in this picture of The Grumpy Cat at left (reproduced with "permission," i.e. -I got it off his Twitter where I'm a follower that he has not blocked.)

Grumpy and I are soul-mates in most matters, but clearly not regarding holidays.  Holidays are absolutely magical (see previous posts on Christmas and Birthdays), and mandatory celebrations should always ensue.  Any excuse for a party is a good excuse.  I insist that there is value in making Valentine's Day a day of happiness!  Think of it as the Thanksgiving day of Love:  to celebrate anyone you love now or have ever loved in the past regardless of whether or not you have slashed, or wanted to slash, his or her tires, ever. 

"Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" said a poet I studied in high school and probably college, who was clearly alluding to my fixation on how beautiful Timothy Olyphant is (despite the mysterious fact that said poet wrote this many years before I or gorgeous Timothy were even born.) 

In the words of my 11 year old, "What's to hate about Love?!"  

So, for this Valentine's day, if you think you don't have anyone/anything to love, here is a list created by me, and the aforementioned 11 year old (aka Zoe, @zozobird12, @KidZinger).  It is important to note that we decided that not only is Love for an actual human important to celebrate on this day, but we must not rule out how much we love inanimate objects and rituals, and how much joy they bring:

So we celebrate the following on Valentine's day (choose all that may apply):

• Your mom - she gave you life
• Your dad - he contributed :)
• Your ancestors - the life thing again, but there are also probably some awesome stories there
• Your siblings (even if they beat you up then or now)
• Your friends (follow the Grumpy Cat on Twitter if you don't have any)
• Coffee (duh)
• Happy Hour, aka a reason to make it through the day
• The Internet
• Cats (or dogs if you lean that way, which we don't understand)
• The Grumpy Cat, in particular, (he'll act like he doesn't like it, but don't be fooled)
• A really good hamburger
• Your boss, if you have a job (even if you despise her/him --if you cash their checks); unemployment, and America, if you don't
• Our country, our Constitution and the right to vote (even if you don't now, you could start soon, call me)
• Your co-workers (you could probably start a profitable, award-winning blog with the material they provide, I'm just saying)
• Your smartphone (maybe that's just us)
• The inventor of  (insert something you can't live without here, like indoor-plumbing or electricity or HEB)
• Pandora's comedy channel during rush hour; especially some of those freaking hilarious political comedians 
• Your education (nothing compares...)
• Your mentors (thank them!!!!)
• Taking walks
• Music 
• Jewelry
• Books
• Scrabble
• Social Media
• Photo albums
• Spring
• Flowers
• Think about it and insert anything you love here....

And finally, your kids, with their very own special parameters of Love: 

• Even if their infant cries are currently keeping you up at night to the point of hallucination
• Even if they ran away from you at the mall the other day and you almost had to report them to the police as a missing tolddler
• Even if they sob like you are abandoning them in the desert when you are in fact only dropping them at a prohibitively expensive day care center so you can work like a dog all day, the ungrateful little wretches....
• Even if they just looked at you with the full-fledged parent-withering contempt that only a teenager can muster up (obviously because they have the energy, I mean all they do is daydream and doze in class all day instead of working themselves to the bone to pay the bills and make this life possible, the complete wretches)
• Even if they just went off to college and didn't look back, not once, and you are pissed off and proud all at the same time
• Even if they are no longer with you, but they were, and you remember, and it was amazing if only for a while
• Pause, Reflect, Appreciate

In closing, we, and Bramble (the rabbit) and Atlas (the cat) thought you should click here to read the historical, but somewhat insignificant, history of St Valentines as well.  This stuff is almost as good as the life and times Lord Alfred Tennyson, the poet, and your ancestors.

Hearts and Love

A Big and Little Book Drive!

Books make me happy!  This is one reason why I have resolved to collect 2,020 books in 2014 as a part of the SA2020 Resolutions project!  The other reason is that it promotes literacy in our city (Yay!). 

My very first Joyful Rant post was called Paperbacks and Princesses and it was all about my love of reading and how I am blessed to have three reader-daughters.  Two of them (Zoe and Lacey) will be helping me collect books along with my Little Brother Chris, 15, and my Little Sister Destiny, 14, from the Big Brothers Big Sisters program.  Chris is going to be a great asset because he and his mom, Valerie have done a book drive before!  We are gonna be unstoppable! 

I'm happy to have Destiny participate too.  She and I recently read the "Hunger Games" and "Divergent" Trilogies.  We also went to see "Catching Fire" and it was awesome. We're looking forward to seeing the movie version of "Divergent," although I'm still pretty annoyed at the ending of that trilogy (but, I digress, and no spoilers here). 

If you want to help us collect these books here is what you can do:

• Look through your house, your closets, your garage and find books
• Tell all your friends to do the same (if they don't have time, offer to look for them, ha!)
• Bring them to Big Brothers Big Sisters at 202 Baltimore, SA TX 78215
• or to my house (text me at 210-382-8671 for address)
• or tell us where we can pick them up from you

We are particularly interested in books for kids age 3rd grade and younger, but obviously we will take any book.  The books will all be donated to local schools.

Follow us on Twitter:
@denisebarkhurst  and  @KidZinger
Hashtag tweets regarding the book drive  #TeamSA2020BookDrive and/or  #SA2020Resolutions

Thanks in advance!  

Here are some fun pictures of your Book Drive Team: 

Book Drive Leader Denise, in the 70's with Nancy Drew

Little Brother Chris, frequent Big Brothers Big Sisters spokesperson

Little Sister Destiny from the Inspire U workplace mentoring program wants to be a pastry chef!

Lacey and Zoe, photo bombed by our cat, Atlas

A Big Walk!

Zoe and I would like to make full disclosure that we have made very little progress on our New Year's resolutions so far in 2014. (More walks, reading, violin, sleep and appreciation of life's goodness).

We have absolutely NO IDEA where the first 19 days of January have gone. They flew by like the wind. Hence the absence of a blog post last week as well - the first I have missed since July 2013 when I started this blog. 

We have every intention of changing that. Right now, as we sit here, sedentary, not walking, not playing the violin, not reading anything other than these words that we write, we are feeling a little like sloths. But we are kinda happy about that. :) And we are planning to go to sleep soon as it is almost 9 pm. Oh, sleep! And we definitely appreciate life's goodness on this joyous 3 day weekend. So maybe we have made a little progress. 

But - tomorrow we have a BIG WALK ahead. It's the Martin Luther King March tomorrow! We are fortunate enough to live in a city that does this momentous event up right!  Nearly 100,000 San Antonians turn out each year to honor the legacy of Dr King, and we are proud to be 2 of them. The SA MLK March starts at 10 am tomorrow, January 20, 2014, and we will be there!  Here are a few pictures of us over the years. 

Hope to see you there!

Zoe and Chris in 2012 with the Rosa Parks bus

Big Brothers Big Sisters marchers

2011 march - it's usually drizzling

My Lacey, at the corner of MLK Street & Lacey Street on the march route

The number of marchers is a sight to see

The end of the route

Littles on parade

The view of the stage at the end of the march at Pittman Sullivan Park

5 Joint New Year's Resolutions with my 11 year old

My 11-year old, Zoe, and I have made our joint New Year's resolutions. We decided that we will double our chances of success if we support each other in mutually beneficial goals.  This way we also have someone else to blame when things get off track.  Just kidding.  (Maybe).     

One of our many Instagramed walks in 2013

First, we vow to take more walks. We absolutely love to go for walks in the evening so we've promised to make more time for this. It's a great opportunity to talk and tell stories and play games together. Some of our favorite memories from 2013 are from our many walks. And we find great things to take pictures of for Instagram on our walks.  

Second, we promise to read more together, whether that is reading separate books in the same room, reading at bedtime or reading anything to each other anytime. We both read a lot of  stuff but we want to do more sharing. Zoe is reading "The Land of Stories" right now and I'm reading more British historical fiction. 

Third, we want to go to bed on time. We both LOVE our sleep and we have decided that we let too many things interfere with getting to bed. We are gonna change that in 2014! #sleepisAwesome

Zoe and her violin in 2013

Fourth, Zoe wants to practice more violin, and I love to listen to her practice. It's amazing how much progress she has made in the last 2 years. I remember the grating sounds of her first attempts and the difference now is amazing. Practice makes perfect! 

Fifth, we promise to remind ourselves every day of how good life is. Zoe used to have a "Life is Good (PB&J)" shirt when she was in Kinder and she said she's never forgot how it made her think about how good her life was every time she wore it. She said we need to remind ourselves everyday "since that shirt got too small."  :) I think I'm gonna have to find her a new shirt. But thinking about this every day is also a really great resolution. 

Zoe just read a draft of this post (she proofs most of my posts) and said that "if we could read a book, while taking a walk, while playing the violin, before bed - life would be very good, indeed."

Lacey, the 20 year old, was invited to participate in this endeavor and she said her resolution is to strive to communicate better with me, and keep me more updated. I'm holding her to it. 

Bring it, 2014! 

The Gift of Giving

Zoe's wish list 2013

Late on Christmas Eve I took a moment to sit by the fireplace where the stockings were hung by the chimney with care. We'd set out milk and cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer.  We'd sprinkled magical reindeer dust in the front yard and opened and put on our Christmas pj's. The gifts were all wrapped (by 3 am) and the girls (who are 11, 20 and 25) were in bed.  We were content and happy.  The next morning they would wake up and open the rest of their gifts.  I couldn't wait! 

We're all familiar with the old saying that "It is better to give than to receive"  and I have to say that while I sure like to receive, there is nothing like the joy of giving!

Given the fact that I opened a gift store in the mall you'd think I would have had time to do a lot of shopping this year, but it was, in fact, the opposite. So as I sat there enjoying the last few moments of Christmas Eve, I felt a little less than content because I hadn't been able to find the perfect gifts for all of my friends and family members.  I got lucky with my girls.  I was able to order almost everything they had asked for on Amazon.  I was worried that the packages would not all be delivered in time, but they were.  I think Magical Mall Santa had something to do with that - when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas I told him I wished for everything I ordered on-line to come in before December 25th. Four packages arrived on December 24th. 

I inherited this love of giving.  Not in the DNA way, but in the nurturing.  My grandmother understands the gift of giving.  She always put together "gift boxes" for our birthdays and Christmas and graduations - a box that contained an assortment of small gifts that she had been collecting for us up to our big day.  I always looked forward to those boxes!  You never knew what was going to be in there and I loved it all.  One particularly difficult birthday during one of the latter years of my tumultuous 20+ year  marriage I was saved from succumbing to a a major pity party when my Granny's box came in the mail, filled with little gifts that told me loud and clear that she was thinking of me.  It lifted my spirits and gave me the perspective I needed.  That day I was on the receiving end, which helps remind me how much I like to be the one to create that kind of joy and happiness. 

My parents understand the gift of giving too. We didn't have much money when I was growing up but at Christmastime all 5 of us kids made our wish lists and every year our parents got us everything we asked for (or it seemed that way to me). I don't know how they did it, but Christmas morning was always pure magic happiness (as it was again this year!).  I have tried to do the same with my kids, but I've also tried to provide them with opportunities to really experience the sheer joy of giving. 

And the stockings were hung by the chimney

I'm pretty sure I've passed it on down.  Ariel emailed from Florida a couple of weeks ago asking questions about family members, hoping to get the info she needed to make the right gift selections.  I can see on Lacey's face how happy she is when she can give someone something they really like, and she puts so much thought into it.  She made a card for Mother's day this year for me with a wonderful drawing of The Grumpy Cat (when I was going through a grumpy cat worship phase).  It was perfect and I framed it!  And the youngest, at 11, had THE BEST time at our Big Brothers Big Sisters store picking out and wrapping gifts for all her family members.

I have been amazed at how adamant the kids coming in to the store are about what they want and what they don't want to choose as gifts.  I had this 9 year old little boy tell me in great detail all about his dad's hobbies and likes and dislikes and he was very particular about what he eventually picked out for dad.  But I have also had kids who just couldn't wrap their heads around picking something out for others, not for themselves.  I expected that from the 4 and 5 years olds, but not the 10 and 11 year olds.  I sure hope we get to do the store again next year cause there are a lot of kids who need to experience the gift of giving.  The ones who understand it already were a joy to shop with.

The best thing is that there are always new opportunities to give; birthdays and anniversaries and other holidays are coming up and there's always Christmas again next year! 

I have to say as well that I sure did make out on the receiving end again this year!  Yay, Presents!